"It's very good... you are your own doctor now. This is very good."

These words were spoken to me a couple of years ago in the middle of a short session with a well-trusted Seer.

I already knew, but his words of confirmation still provoked my body to breath deep in relief with the reminder that finally... finally... my wellbeing was in my own hands.

Let me be clear - I am not against the idea of healers or doctors, or any other people who help people heal. Of course not. But I am absolutely against the idea that you are not your own true healer... and I believe the most effective of healers are those who remind us of that, and who remind us to listen closely to our symptoms... for, I believe, that they are nothing short of a gateway to self-liberation.

In the West, it is far more common than not to see individuals and institutions focusing on minimising and numbing symptoms of illness, rather than treating them as messengers for deeper insight. This stretches from the medical system to the psychotherapeutic system, and everything else in between. There are many reasons for this (how deep do you want to go?) but I see two big, very plainly obvious ones: 1. Perpetually 'treating' symptoms is far more profitable than true, sustainable healing (hello Big Pharma, we see you); and 2. Perpetually 'treating' symptoms takes the power from the people, teaching us as individuals that our physical, emotional (etc.) difficulties are both random and bad, and that we helpless non-doctors or non-therapists should really just be quiet and trust the pills those higher than us prescribe...

Anyway, what do we know about our own bodies and minds, right?

Well, the answer to that last question is - not much actually, if you don't choose to get to know them. But if we do choose to get to know them... if we are whole-heartedly in on the journey of understanding ourselves - our capacity to understand the intelligence of our own being is far, far beyond what has been sold to us (i.e. the doctor/therapist knows best). And thus grows, exponentially, our capacity to truly heal ourselves and to embody the realisation that, in fact... I am my own saviour.

By far the most healing I have ever experienced in a therapeutic setting has been when the space-holder knows that I have the wisdom to come to my own realisations, the strength to feel my own emotions, and the power to ultimately heal myself. I hold the perspective now that any other "healing" we receive that isn't deeply rooted in our own knowing is both flimsy and fleeting. I am amongst the millions of others around the world who have been let down by "therapists" and "doctors" who want to logically place our symptoms into neat little boxes, medicate us, and tell us what the problem is.

The thing is, is that there is no problem at all. At the deepest level, our symptoms are not problems, but in fact, they originally arose as solutions... responses to and ways of coping with trauma that often allowed our infinitely intelligent beings to feel as safe as possible. Once we begin to realise the incredible wisdom that is embedded within our symptoms - our anxiety, our relational tendencies, our sadness, our physical dis-ease, etc. - we can actually begin to work with them.

Nothing is random. Truly, I don't believe for one second there is such a thing as someone "randomly" getting depression, or "randomly" having a psychotic episode, or even "randomly" getting cancer. I believe that everything has its roots, that everything is interconnected across both space and time... I believe that any symptom that is showing itself in our present day lives is carrying a profound message. Obviously, this conversation gets a little more complex when we start to talk about symptoms such as from contractible diseases, or genetic illnesses from birth, etc. Generally, I tend not to believe in randomness even in these scenarios (but also lol what do I know about this ridiculously complex Universe), but regardless of the source of the symptom, I whole-heartedly believe that they can be portals for evolution, nonetheless.

One of the biggest tests in the reclamation of our own health and power, is in our willingness to unequivocally renounce the unconscious, obsessive self-identification with victimhood. Although, this can also be a trap. Because to really heal from something traumatic, we really need to let ourselves feel to the depths of grief, hurt, sadness, anger, fear, etc. in order for it to pass through, and mentally attaching to the notion of "I'm not a victim!!!" will completely block your path to feeling such emotions (a very sneaky spiritually "wise" bypass, right there...) So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: Healing (and Life) - basically a soup of paradoxes that will require you to surrender your attachment to any idea ever, so that you can hold many things to be true at once, and then somehow find your way from there!

No, but seriously. My personal healing thus far has required that I allow myself to both feel the grief of being a 'victim' (at least in some sense of the word), as well as knowing when to release that idea and finally take responsibility for the fact that I have chosen (and am choosing) - consciously or unconsciously - much, much more than what my inner victim wants me to believe...

Of course, healing is not straightforward, and by no means am I suggesting that all you gotta do is simply "listen to your anxiety" to make it go away. If you have even stepped a toe onto your true healing path, you will know that roads can get complex and twisty turny very quickly. A symptom arising on one plane of existence (e.g. physical) might just be a messenger for a much deeper issue on another plane (e.g. emotional). A symptom arising now might be about something actually happening now, or in your past, or in your past life, or in your mother's past, or past life, or that of a distant ancestor who you've never met or even heard of... etc. One modality of healing work that has worked so well for you thus far - such as Ayahuasca - might not be the modality you really need for your particular issue right now... Maybe you need a different plant medicine, or some somatic work, or a good cry by yourself, or to go dancing, or to have a past life regression session... or honestly maybe you are just deficient in iron and magnesium. It's wildly ridiculous how confusing real healing can be. Add on top of that other people trying to tell you what you need, and things can go in all kinds of directions. When all we do is seek answers on the external - asking the opinions of 100 different medicines and healers - we can very quickly over-crowd the healing space with conflicting and confusing messages, because we are not actually choosing to listen to the one and only being who can know and heal us best... OURSELVES.

And so to come full circle... in saying that, overall, I am now my own doctor (who happily and gratefully works, with keen discernment, with medicines, healers and helpers when necessary)... means that I aim to approach every 'symptom' with deep listening, softness and curiosity. Every difficult emotion, every mental loop, every fear, every physical ailment, etc. And approaching my symptoms in this way has allowed me to uncurl and unfurl through portals of transformation, leading me into deeper self-understanding, embodiment and love each time.

And yes, I lean on my crutches that I still have. If anyone tells you they have no crutches, beware. This is the healing business... it requires no side-stepping, no numbing nor distracting... but deep, deep feeling, listening and presence. And at the same time (paradox #3567) it requires that we (consciously, if possible) take a f*king breather from the Work sometimes... or often, even. And that can sometimes be the most caring thing we can do for ourselves in that moment, and often can actually lead to surprise insight and release.

From my personal experience, two of the most important ingredients for truly overcoming inner difficulty are: 1. An unwavering commitment to the Path; and 2. An unrelenting willingness to keep on dying, over and over again, to the idea of who we think we are.

Thank you, sacred symptoms, for helping us do that.

Love,

Emma